I can’t even tell you when it started. The onset was so slow that
it could be
written off as a mood swing, or lack of sleep.
I just missed the subtlety of change.
If one looks in the mirror daily, it is hard to tell if you’re
aging…until the day you look and are shocked to see you are old and looking
back you try to remember how it happened…that is the best way I can describe what
happened to my wife. I am in bed now
and it is Christmas Eve. Through the
walls, I can still hear her crying in the living room. I came to bed to
tonight is that night I looked into that mirror and recognized I was married to
a mad woman.
She was screaming at me just a minute ago about how
we have no family Christmas traditions, how her father no longer even knows it
is Christmas; not discussing it with me but screaming it at me. Do you
know how jarring it is to see the person
you love unhinged and screaming just a few feet from your face? She is so angry. She can only focus on all that is missing
from her life. I have always believed
that if I complained
too much, God would smite me to show how decent I really had it. As a
result I have always tried to focus on
what is good in my life. My wife does
not share in this approach, at least not now.
Now, she yells a lot at me. Often, I don’t even think she knows
it because when I first started noticing it, and would say something, she would
always deny it…and I think she was being sincere. At least I like to think
so. As time went on, she would admit to doing it…I
feel this must be what it is like to be married to an abusive spouse who knocks
the hell out of you but then comes with a box of candy and a believable
apology. You still love them so much
and can see the face of the person you married but it is just a mask now…the
person wearing it is a stranger. Sometimes,
I recognize she isn’t going to say she is sorry, so I do. I am sorry for having you get
mad enough that you feel you need to yell at me. It is not sincere,
but it allows us to move
figure out why this happened and the best I can guess is that for my wife, there
is a self-loathing of the life she is leading…she is always wanting something
different, but she is clueless of what that elusive life looks like. I can’t
help but take this personally.