I can’t even tell you when it started.  The onset was so slow that it could be written off as a mood swing, or lack of sleep.   I just missed the subtlety of change.   If one looks in the mirror daily, it is hard to tell if you’re aging…until the day you look and are shocked to see you are old and looking back you try to remember how it happened…that is the best way I can describe what happened to my wife.    I am in bed now and it is Christmas Eve.  Through the walls, I can still hear her crying in the living room.   I came to bed to hide…and think….because tonight is that night I looked into that mirror and recognized I was married to a mad woman. 

She was screaming at me just a minute ago about how we have no family Christmas traditions, how her father no longer even knows it is Christmas; not discussing it with me but screaming it at me.   Do you know how jarring it is to see the person you love unhinged and screaming just a few feet from your face?  She is so angry.  She can only focus on all that is missing from her life.   I have always believed that if I complained too much, God would smite me to show how decent I really had it.   As a result I have always tried to focus on what is good in my life.  My wife does not share in this approach, at least not now.   

Now, she yells a lot at me.  Often, I don’t even think she knows she does it because when I first started noticing it, and would say something, she would always deny it…and I think she was being sincere.  At least I like to think so.  As time went on, she would admit to doing it…I feel this must be what it is like to be married to an abusive spouse who knocks the hell out of you but then comes with a box of candy and a believable apology.    You still love them so much and can see the face of the person you married but it is just a mask now…the person wearing it is a stranger.   Sometimes, I recognize she isn’t going to say she is sorry, so I do.   I am sorry for having you get mad enough that you feel you need to yell at me.   It is not sincere, but it allows us to move on.