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News and Events

By Brian Weilert

Amy: (to audience) If it hadn't happened in my own school. I would have never of believed it. It was like a week long Saturday Night Live skit. I kept waiting for Miss. Flazz, my homeroom teacher, to stand at any moment and scream, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK!". But, she didn't. I first caught wind of the entire thing through my girlfriend Toni.

Toni: Anyway, did you hear what the two grubby freshman boys did?

Amy: What boys?

Toni: You know the real grubby ones. The two that never shower after gym class.

Amy: Oh.

Toni: Anyway did you hear?

Amy: No, spill it.

Toni: Those two got caught throwing rolls of toilet paper all over the gym on Saturday. They broke into the school through that one door around back that never latches. Anyway, they dug around in the janitor's closet and must of stole like 4,000 rolls or something. Anyway, they needed a rolley cart to get it all to the gym. Anyway, they were shooting hoops with the stuff for like hours. Someone said it was like two feet deep all over.

Amy: No way, that is so stupid. Who caught them?

Toni: That was weird too. You know those two really hot dudes?

Amy: No Toni, what dudes?

Toni: The really hot ones, you know.

Amy: Oh, those two.

Toni: Anyway, they broke into the school through that door around back that doesn't latch so they could play some basketball, and they saw the two grubbers doing it.

Amy: Did they get into trouble?

Toni: No way! The one hot one's dad is on the school board. They were like citizens of the year for turning in the toilet paper pukes.

Amy: (to audience) So, that's how it started. As the week went on I noticed that each of the stalls were running low on paper. By Friday only one stall, the one with no door, still had paper. Monday morning is when the order came down from above in the way of an announcement.

Announcement: This is Mr. Bunch, your principal. As many of you have noticed there is no toilet paper in the restrooms. I want you to know this is not an error but on purpose. Due to a recent incident we are no longer able to trust the student body. So, from now on, if you wish to use the restroom, you must get paper from your teacher. Each home room teacher has been issued an allotted amount of which they will be held accountable. Have a nice day.

Amy: (to audience) That was it. We all stared up at Miss Flazz. She was pulling two pristine white rolls from the lower drawer of her desk. She placed them in front of us.

Miss Flazz: You heard the man. From now on if you want to use the restroom you must see me first. I need to keep track. I have a ledger where I can put your name and, well, your business so I can turn it in to Mr. Bunch. For example, let's say Amy....

Amy: (to audience) OH MY GOD! She said my name. Please, why me?

Miss Flazz: Let's say Amy needs to do a number two.

Amy: (to audience) OH MY GOD! Tell me this really isn't happening.

Miss Flazz: Number two. Amy would place her name on the ledger and a brief description. I would then issue the appropriate amount as to complete the job. And then I would log the number of squares issued. Any questions?

Amy: (to audience) I felt like raising my hand. "Yes, Miss Flazz. Can I die now?" However, Jennifer Tanker really did ask a question. Jennifer is one of those girls that has always been 32. She had boobs in the 3rd grade. She was rough. Always in black jeans and Harley t-shirts.

Jennifer: Miss Fazz, what if it is that time of the month?

Amy: (to audience) OH MY GOD! I can't believe she asked that with dudes in the room. I gave a quick look around and even the boys had crimson faces and were giggling weakly. Jennifer had found a loophole. Mentally, I made a note. I knew for my male teachers all I had to do was drop the ol' "It's that time of the month" bomb and they would hand over the whole roll, maybe both. But Miss Flazz was unfortunately not male.

Jennifer: How much do we get for that?

Miss Flazz: Well, Miss Tanker it depend on the flow.

Amy: (to audience) OH MY GOD! I wanted to disappear. I normally would have asked to go to the restroom but not now. Not under the new imposed Marshal Law. Even Jennifer shut up after that comment.

Miss Flazz: Any other questions?

Amy: (to audience) Yeah right. I'm not sure if anyone will be able to ask a question for the rest of the year without the word, "FLOW" flooding their brain.

Miss Flazz: Very well. Take out your books and turn to the chapter 5. This unit will deal with the rise and fall of the former Soviet Union.

Amy: No one, I mean no one went to the bathroom for the first two days. Some learned to hold it. Some kids brought their own from home and used the bathroom between classed but this came to an abrupt end when disaster struck on Thursday. I again learned through the informed source, Toni.