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Sample from The Spoon Incident

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I am perfect. I've never tasted an ounce of alcohol, never smoked a cigarette, never been late, missed class, or been sick. I have never got below an A- on anything in my life. I always beat my friends at Jeopardy, and never use a life-line on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I have never been disciplined and have never had a detention.

That was me about 2 months ago. Hi, Im Peter McNamara, I'm not perfect anymore.

I'm a student at Morris P. Walters High School. We are the home of the ... well, our mascot is a ... were home of the fighting bunnies. Not the fighting hares, or fighting jack rabbits, or event the fighting chinchillas. We, no I am a fighting bunny.

The students, about two months ago, decided that we didn't want to be bunnies, but that we would rather be cougars, or lions, or even a badger, but not a bunny. So, we passed around a petition for all of the students to sign. Even some of the faculty laid down their Handcocks. I didnt think that it would be a big deal; change the name and everyone's happy. Not the case. The superintendent called an assembly, and that was when I turned from an innocent into the monster that I am today.

Super: Ahem, students I've called you all here today to talk about our beloved Benny the Bunny. Our student body president has given me a signed petition with the intent of changing our mascot. This saddens me. What is not to love about our beloved Benny the Bunny? Is it his cute wiggly pink nose, cotton tail, big floppy ears? Is it his plush tummy?

Pete: This is where my Pee-Wee persona took a turn towards Glen Close in Fatal Attraction. There was only one solution to the Benny the Bunny dilemma; Hasenpfeffer, a delicious German bunny dish.

Super: I have decided to decline your request for a change of mascot. Benny the Bunny will stay a fixture at Morris P. Walters High School and I will not hear another word about it.

Pete: In the words of the most famous bunny of them all, "Of course you realize, this means war."

I couldn't just flat out kidnap Benny. I dont have the heart. After all, Benny wasn't the enemy anymore, it was the Superintendent. My friends thought of a million ways to prank him. We could fill his car full of packing peanuts, or put baking flour in the vents of his car. We could super glue his office door shut, or put a picture of Fran the lunch lady over his wife's picture on his desk. We could have done some of the standard pranks like the bag of flaming dog pooh, or have his car towed, but these didnt make a statement. Then it hit me ... the lunch lady. The lunchroom. What could someone do to make a point? It was incredibly obvious. Hit the Superintendent where it hurts ... kick him square in the ... (pause) ... spoons.

Phase One: The kidnapping

It was a genius plan. We would take a hostage. Mission Impossible! Do Do Dooo, Do Do Dooo. I am Tom Cruise, I am a spy! Those spoons have no chance. This was the plan: The mission would take a team of four. I needed recruits. I chose Butch Haden, the demolitions man. Wee Willie Brown, the human toothpick. Charles Alexander Kerr, the scapegoat. Not the most glamorous job, but his father is on the school board. And myself, the brains.

Objective 1, the kitchen delivery door. The plan was to use the demolitions man to precisely place M-80s around the hinges on the delivery door. This would weaken them so that we could use a sodium nitrate concentrate to finish the job. This would open the door just enough for, dun dun dun, the human toothpick. The toothpick squeezes in, and unlocks the door from the inside. Penetration complete. Next, we swipe the spoons and make our getaway. Genius! But, it did have some problems. No M-80s, no sodium nitrate, Willie had the bends, and Charlie had bassoon lessons. Plan B was now in effect. Operation "Keep your dirty spoons after lunch and stash them in my locker." It was genius. I had elevated from Pee-Wee to James Bond, skipping Theo from the Cosby Show and inching by McGuyver. Day by day, 4 spoons at a time my locker filled up. Other students caught wind of the plan and it took off like Benny the Bunny after some lettuce on a treadmill. 10 turned to 20 and 20 to 40. Soon school lunches cut back on their Jell-O from 4 days a week to only 2. Macaroni and cheese was replaced by corn bread, and so on and so forth. The school began to panic. TOTAL DISMAY. We had to prove to the Superintendent that it was affecting us students, so we did a little acting.

Pete: What!? No spoons!? No Jell-O. No macaroni and cheese!? Why!? WHY!? What have we done to deserve this torture? I NEED MY MACARONI AND CHEESE. I gotta get out of here. (Runs off) (Off to side) The seed has been planted.

Phase Two: The uprising

After my Oscar performance we made it clear that the student body was upset. We picketed the school lunch program. They tried to give us sporks, but we had none of that.

                Pete: We want our spoons back!

Super: Students, listen. Until we find out what happened to all of our spoons, youll have to make due.

Pete: I poked my tongue on one of those damned dirty sporks. (Looking around and chanting) We want spoons, we want spoons... (To the side) 2 for the crew.

Phase Three: The hostage letter

I, being a perfect student, did the morning announcements. The previous night the crew and I made a hostage request.

It read: "We are the coalition for the request ensuring equality in the population of students. Or the C.R.E.E.P.S. for short. We the Creeps have your beloved spoons. We will make sure that the spoons are unharmed in exchange for changing our mascot. For every hour that our demands are not met, five spoons will be bent. You have only to 3 oclock to decide.

Signed, The Creeps

After the announcement the principal called me into his office. I knew I was screwed. The Superintendent was standing there with a box full of spoons.