Will the court please rise, the honorable Judge Pat Banter residing; Case
v McPherson. The parties have been sworn in your honor.
Thank you. Okay let’s just go right into it and get started. Let me see if I have
this correct, Mr. Taylor claims that…(Interrupted)
Taylor: I object your honor. You are badgering
Judge: What? Mr. Taylor you will need to…(Interrupted)
Taylor: Again, I must object on the grounds you are leading the witness.
Taylor: (Whispering back and forth to himself)
You do not have to answer that.
Judge: (Losing patience) Mr. Taylor! Who
are you speaking to?
Taylor: Ah….my client.
Then who are you supposed to be?
Taylor: I am my representation. You may address
me as, DUDE, (Big hand gesture as if
on billboard) Attorney at law.
Mr. Taylor, we need to get a few things straight if you are going to survive this
Taylor: (Urgent) Sidebar your honor. (Approaches judge; whispering) I believe that Mrs.
McPherson is going to present a surprise witness that was not on the original list.
I want to have his testimony disallowed as to not taint the jury.
Taylor: (As if a secret understanding has been reached)
Exactly. Thank you your honor
Mr. Taylor, you are not even going to be heard today if you do not stop your
antics, right now.
Taylor: (Whispering back and forth to himself, nodding
head up and down)
(Scottish accent) Your honor, may I say something?
Taylor: AH HA!!! I knew it!
Taylor: (Pleading very theatrically) Your honor,
don’t you see what she’s doing? She’s
trying to intimidate
I am doing no such thing.
Taylor: I saw Braveheart lady. I know what your
kind are capable of.
(Asking for help) Your honor.
Mr. Taylor!! If you make one more unsolicited comment I will find you
contemp! (Pause) Do you
Taylor: (More whispering to self then…) We understand.
Yes, Mrs. McPherson.
Would it be possible to explain what happened?
I was getting to that, patience please.
Taylor: Your honor?
That’s it Mr. Taylor. I find you in contempt and fine you $200.
Taylor: But I was just going to ask a question….really.
I’m trying to be serious now.
Okay, don’t make me sorry for this; what’s the question?
Taylor: I just wanted to know if she was planning on telling the truth?
I would hope so Mr. Taylor. Why?
(Screaming) Because you can’t handle the truth!!!!!
That’s it! The fine is now $500!
Do you want to try for more?!
Can I explain, please?
Taylor: Ask and answered, your honor; asked and answered.
Would you please shut up!
Taylor: (Very theatrical) Your honor, how long
are you going to let this continue? It is
obvious this women
is not competent to stand trial.
Mr. Taylor! $1000.00 and a night in jail!!
(Silence) Now what do you have
Taylor: (Whispering back and forth to himself then…)
It would behoove me not to
respond on the grounds
that I might incriminate myself.
We’re beyond that. Mrs. McPherson, why don’t we try
a new approach
(Pointing to Taylor) and you better not interrupt. Why don’t you tell me why Mr.
Taylor is seeking damages in excess of $3,500 from you?
Well, your honor. He claims I killed his bird with my car.
Taylor: Point of clarification your honor, the “bird” she is referring to, was
pet dove, Marlin.
Okay Mr. Taylor, duly noted, the bird was a dove.
Wait a minute, don’t do that. It was a basic pigeon. There were hundreds
of them and they all
looked the same.
Taylor: Sidebar! Sidebar!
Taylor: (Approaching judge) It’s quite apparent that my client is not going to be able to
get a fair trial here. I would like to file a motion to change venues.
is not the way you do it, and besides this is (Raising voice) small claims
Taylor: Your honor I am afraid you too are racist toward my bird. I also formally
request that you do
the right thing and recuse yourself from this case.
Judge: (Yelling) Racist?! Racist?! (Noticing yelling, changes to angry whisper) What
in the world are you
Taylor: It is obvious by your tone and mannerisms with me and my client that you have
problem with certain
species of birds.
I most certainly do not.
Taylor: Are you telling me you have (Louder and more
theatrical) Never, I repeat,
never used the “D”
What “D” word?
Taylor: Just answer the question. Never made
reference to the “D” word, maybe told
jokes using the “D”
Judge: I don’t…(Interrupted)
Taylor: If it pleases the jury, would you please read back the comment made by the
judge after I corrected
the species of my bird? (Pause) Okay, I can see budget
left us without a court recorder so allow me. She said, (Mimicking
judge) “Okay Mr. Taylor, duly noted, the bird was a “D”
“D” “D” Dove!!! A
Dove!!! (Way over the top) You
see ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there is no way the evidence wasn’t tampered with before being planted, the DNA
not fabricated, the witnesses all cohersed. Let the records show, “If the dove is hit, you must convict!” Your witness!! USA, USA, USA. (Chant interrupted)
That’s it! Bailiff, remove Mr. Taylor from my courtroom!
Do I have too? This has got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen in
Taylor: (Still over the top theatrical) Is this
what our country has come to? The
Amendment is shredded by the very entity that should assure due process. Oh,
what a sad, sad day for us all.
Judge: Hold on. Just everybody hold on! Let me think. (Too
long of a pause)
Taylor: That Amendment also includes a right to a “speedy” trial.
Judge: (Losing it a bit) Okay, here’s what we’ll do. Mr. Taylor, you and (Sarcastic)
“your client” will have
just thirty seconds to say your side of the story. Mrs. McPherson will get the
same; during which you will not say a word. If you do, let the (Sarcastic) “records” show, I will remove your spleen with a wooden spoon. (Exploding) Do you get what I’m saying?! DO YOU?!
Taylor: (Taken aback by tone) O…Kay (Coughing
Sounds fair, your honor.
Mr. Taylor, your on the clock….starting…..NOW!