Home alone
AGAIN
Both my kids are grown
married
and
I am home collecting disability checks
my wife works two jobs
no real details just a lot of hours
with little pay
I am ashamed that this is the man
I have become
My father was a hard worker until
the day he died
Blue collar hard
At 47
I broke my back loading sand bags
for the church
During a flood
A flood that only comes around every 60 years or so
So bad luck I suppose
It was something so simple
The way it happened
I had worked the whole day
Doing my good deed
WWJD…well he would be loading
sandbags
As we finished, I jumped from the
bed of the pickup
Landing on my feet
cat-like
But my back was not that of a cat
But that of a tired man
A tired man of 47
CRACK
I heard it as I landed
Then a sharp pain…then just
a dull severe ache
I had hurt my back before so
I thought I’d be down a few days…
maybe a week
But weeks passed and my back grew
worse
I come from a family where you don’t
go to the doctor
Unless a body part is missing…and
then it depends on the part
One time when I was camping and turkey
hunting with my father and two brothers
I became gravely ill…I had
a temperature of 104 degrees
As I lay outside on the bare ground
my
tent was too hot
…my loving family
Began to stack rocks on me
Explaining that it would be a fitting
grave
And this would save them the trouble
of hauling my pussy home
That is my family
“Buck it up.”
Was the saying I grew up with
And I did just that “Bucked
it up.”
On the 4th of July, my
family got together
My two brothers and their family
My sister
My two sons and wives…
Everyone knew I was hurt
but hurt didn’t mean a lot
At some point one of the kids found
and old skinny, yellow
Whiffleball bat…and one thing led to another
Teams were selected
And we were playing Whiffleball
I
Bucked it up
Swinging one armed…
Fake smiling, laughing, running
That is my family
So I did not go to the doctor…
Time passed
Weeks
Months
My back was still bad
Worse
but then I became very ill
Finally
I went to the doctor…
begrudgingly
This is when I learned I had broken
my back
I had broken my back and had developed
a staff infection
An infection so aggressive it had
eaten my spine
An infection so aggressive that it
had spread
An infection so aggressive…
I might die
When you hear something like that
“You might die”
It is not like you would think it
to be
You might die…
You might die…
So fearful and powerful
It is amazing that after hearing
the words
We
don’t just…
Well, die
But I rebelled as if he were a liar
“Your lying.”
I actually said those words
After some time…I realized
Barring some bizarre hidden motive,
He was telling the truth
The truth was,” I might die.”
I didn’t
So many days have passed
that I wish I had
A miracle they said
I can’t use my fucking legs and they call it a miracle
That was four years ago
I sit in the same chair all day
Every damned day
A red velvet recliner stained with
daily sweat
a bloated pale whale of inactivity
I consume pain pills like Pac Man
Dulling all my desire to move…
To live my life…
What life?
In my head I think of all the ways
to end it all
But I am a coward…or maybe
I hold out some fantasy that I will
be normal again
My wife and I used to take nightly walks
We would hold hands and talk
Talk about silly dreams that deep down we knew we would never do
But somehow
drew us closer
Talk about our children and our hopes for them to have amazing lives
Even though we just wanted them to be happy
Talk about nothing as we walked in silence
An occasional glance, a smile, to remind us of just how lucky we were
Now she comes home, late, tired
She fake-kisses my forehead, and continues to the kitchen to cook
We don’t even try to force
uninspired conversations any more
I could ask her about her day, but I know it was bad
She doesn’t want to lie and I don’t want to act like I actually care
She is still beautiful
just worn
