6:45am
my wife nudges me awake
She looks tired
I know she slept on the couch
again
a victim of my thunderous snore
I shower after my wife leaves
I don't want her to see me naked
I don't think she wants to see me naked
I dress, XXXL
I eat, the truck driver's special
I head for the front door
No kiss
************************************
I lean into my car and air involuntarily escapes my mouth
Compression
I sit
I hear my leather belt s t r e t c h
I suck in, reach with my left hand
grab the belt and lift
adjust
suck-in adjust
lift
suck-in adjust
lift
I look down at my gut
hating that word GUT it sounds dirty, shameful
GUT
I take my morning coffee
and set it upon my GUT
the cup is level
Just below my chest
my TITS; they had called them in high school
I take my free fingers and rub
feeling for
two small rolls
I hate these two rolls the most
they are like miniature apprentice tits
When I stand
without my shirt

the scarlet lines from these are ironed in my skin
reminding me that they are there
even when they are not
I run my fingers over them
I flick them back and forth
I pinch them
HARD
I am so angry at myself
************************************
I wonder
what if I just got a knife and cut it all off?
what does liposuction cost?
that would be too selfish
kid's teeth needs fillings
no insurance
I wonder what it would feel like
to be thin
to be free
Why is it that who we are is based on how we look?
a Walmart bathroom scale ($8.00 on sale) determines my worth to others
The more mass, pressure on the platform
the less worth,
less mass
more worth
all for $8.00, quite a bargain
I am denied access by the size of the Earth and the rate in which it spins
Gravity
************************************
I reach back and fish for the shoulder harness
I can't see it
My fingers wriggle spasmodically in an effort to take hold
Once captured I must tug three times to get to full length click'
A pause to catch my breath
My God my heart is actually beating faster
Sweat sneaking from invisible wells on my forehead
I see that coffee has spilled onto my shirt
Just what people would expect from me
No front headlines here, "FAT GUY WITH STAIN ON SHIRT!"
Almost a cliche'