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News and Events
by Jacob Miller

     Cast of Characters


                MS. BUTTERFIELD, old, worn-down principal who has seen it all

                STEVE, band nerd who has a crush on BUP


                PAUL, STEVE’S best friend /as a crush on JANEENE; his nickname is ‘Small  PAUL’


                BUP, dumb basketball star who has a crush on JANEENE

                ANNOUNCER, commentates on the basketball game in a low, baritone voice


Scene 1


    (A disgruntled MS. BUTTERFIELD taps microphone early on a Monday morning.)

    MS. BUTTERFIELD. Good morning children, as you know I am MS.

    BUTTERFIELD and I want to thank you for attending this mandatory opening

    assembly at White Privilege High School, where we put the white in white     

    privilege, go police officers! (Halfheartedly pumps her fist and pulls out a crumpled

     schedule.) I want to remind you about the upcoming band concert and regional boys

    basketball game happening during this final week of school, praise big man G it’s

     almost over. It’s not like anyone cares what you hormone-filled delinquents do for

     activities, Anyway, just remember to enjoy everything going on this week, or don’t.

     Again, I don’t care.


Scene 2

     (After the assembly PAUL and STEVE leave for class.)

PAUL. That assembly was lame. MS. BUTTERFIELD is so pathetic, pompous,    

and… what’s a third p-word that means to suck?


STEVE. It wasn’t too bad, PAUL. I am worried about our band concert though;

we’ve only practiced for a week.  


PAUL. (He blurts out another P-word.) Opossum! That’s the word!  

BUTTERFIELD looks like one anyways. Like a nasty, pink-fleshy, sparse-haired, rodent. And don’t worry about band STEVE.  Hey look, here

comes JANEENE! What I wouldn’t give… (catches himself) to take a math class

with her. Dang, she’s super-hot and more smarterer than me, which is saying



(JANEENE enters wearing a tight shirt and carrying a book bag filled with

tons of books and notes.)

      PAUL:  “O” opossum starts with an “O” genious.


     STEVE:  Ohhhh.


JANEENE. Well, hello gentleman, PAUL. (Awkward silence. She continues to look at

 PAUL.) Well are you going to articulate a statement or aren’t you?


PAUL. Uh. Um. Boobs.




JANEENE. I’m afraid that qualifies as merely a word, not a statement.


PAUL. You have big boobs.




JANEENE. Oh now STEVE…I am flattered, PAUL. But if you would, please

admire the artwork and don’t touch, my SAT’s are rapidly approaching and I  

mustn’t have anything or anyone distract me from achieving a perfect score. After    

all, I am obligated to attend Harvard on a cheerleading scholarship and finger-

smudged works of art depreciate in value. Good day gentleman, PAUL.


(JANEENE exits.)


PAUL. (To STEVE:) Oh man, she sounds like the hot daughter of Shakespeare  

and Jimmy Carter! Of course I would be a gentleman and wear gloves as to not     leave any fingerprints. Ah great, here comes BUP.


(BUP enters.)


BUP. What are you nerds doing?


     PAUL. Oh hey BUP.


     BUP. Are you trying to steal my girl?


     PAUL. Who, JANEENE? One, no. And two, why should you care, you’re not  

     dating her.


     BUP. Well not yet, but I’m taking her to prom, ‘nerd-herder-I’m-gonna-murder’!


     STEVE. Yikes. That escalated quickly. Even after all of the concussions you’ve had

     from basketball, all the beer drinking, you still have enough brain cells to be good

     enough for JANEENE? She’s super smart, like Einstein with lady parts. Are you

     sure a Slytherin can date a Hufflepuff?


     BUP. What? Is that a Harry Potter reference? See this is why nobody likes you.

     Except ‘Small PAUL’ over here.


     PAUL. (Fake laugh.) Well, you know what they say, be soft and don’t carry a

     big stick.


     STEVE. (To PAUL:) That’s not the expression at all. BUP, one, you’re unoriginal,  

     two, unsmart (pause), four, (flustered) you have a big, dumb, muscly, chiseled chest.


     BUP. Uh, what? I think there was some subtext there. Wait, you skipped three!


     STEVE. You skipped the part of your life where your parents loved you!


     PAUL. Lots of quick escalation going on today. BUP, we were just talking

     with JANEENE, that’s all.


     BUP. Enough. Listen, you nerds have it coming. Just wait and see, I’m gonna beat the

     hell out of you two after the basketball game. (BUP storms off.)


     STEVE. (Quietly, to himself.) God I hope he does.


     PAUL. What?


     STEVE. Nothing, just over here hating BUP.


Scene 3


     (STEVE and PAUL are at the concert, on stage, warming up just before it’s about

     to start.)


     STEVE. Praise Dumbledore this is just warm-ups, our band sounds awful.


PAUL. You’re one to talk, not-so-Stevie-Wonder.


STEVE. You know, it’s funnier the 69th time you say it. We may be dragon dung, but I love playing the trombone with you. You know we’re tromboner brothers for life, right?


PAUL. I blow my boner whenever and wherever you do brother, nonsexually of course.


STEVE. Right, nonsexually... Okay, we’re about to play for reals now; this concert is really gonna spitblow.


PAUL.  Here we go! We’re in for a long one.


(They play for 5 seconds.)


STEVE. Well that was short.


BUP. Nice concert, nerds. Ha, not. It was like, um, not what Mozart and Beethoven wrote because it was so stupid!


STEVE. Clever... You have a future in stand-up (sarcastically). I was just wondering why you were named BUP. BUP is like a one-syllable burp. You’re an onomatopoeia.


BUP. I pee what?  Look my mom meant to name me Bud after Bud Light but she spelled it wrong on the birth certificate.


STEVE. That explains a lot.  Oh hey JANEENE, didn’t see you there.


     (JANEENE magnificently walks toward the three men.)


     JANEENE. Gentlemen, PAUL. That concert was substandard yet oddly satisfactory.

     Commendable I’d say.


     PAUL. (To JANEENE:) I love you.


    BUP. What was that ‘Small PAUL’?! She’s my girl, I’m taking her to the prom! If     

    you talk to her again I swear I will double crush you after the big game with my

    huge, oily muscles!


    STEVE. (To BUP:) I love you.


    JANEENE. Please, BUP, don’t vapidly irritate them. They simply desire some

    cordial consideration, much like I desire a grandiose mansion overlooking

    distinguished Harvard University. Good day gentlemen, PAUL.


   (JANEENE exits. BUP chases after her.)


    PAUL. Okay I get it already; I’m not a gentleman. Let’s go STEVE.

    (Frantically whispering) I just don’t get it, what does she see in him?


   STEVE. Oh I see a lot in him. He’s perfect. He’s my BUPpercup.


   PAUL. Ew.


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