Cast of Characters
MS. BUTTERFIELD, old, worn-down
principal who has seen it all
STEVE, band nerd who has a crush
PAUL, STEVE’S best friend /as a
crush on JANEENE; his nickname is ‘Small PAUL’
BUP, dumb basketball star who
has a crush on JANEENE
commentates on the basketball game in a low, baritone voice
BUTTERFIELD taps microphone early on a Monday morning.)
MS. BUTTERFIELD. Good morning children, as you know I am MS.
BUTTERFIELD and I want to thank you for attending
this mandatory opening
at White Privilege High School, where we put the white in white
go police officers! (Halfheartedly pumps
her fist and pulls out a crumpled
I want to
remind you about the upcoming band concert and regional boys
game happening during this final week of school, praise big man G it’s
almost over. It’s not like anyone cares what
you hormone-filled delinquents do for
Anyway, just remember to enjoy everything going on this week, or don’t.
I don’t care.
(After the assembly PAUL and
STEVE leave for class.)
PAUL. That assembly was lame.
MS. BUTTERFIELD is
so pathetic, pompous,
a third p-word that means to suck?
wasn’t too bad, PAUL. I am worried
about our band concert though;
practiced for a week.
PAUL. (He blurts out another P-word.)
Opossum! That’s the word!
BUTTERFIELD looks like one anyways. Like a nasty, pink-fleshy, sparse-haired,
rodent. And don’t worry about band STEVE. Hey look, here
comes JANEENE! What I wouldn’t give…
(catches himself) to take a math class
with her. Dang, she’s super-hot and more
smarterer than me, which is saying
(JANEENE enters wearing a tight
shirt and carrying a book bag filled with
books and notes.)
PAUL: “O” opossum
with an “O” genious.
JANEENE. Well, hello gentleman,
PAUL. (Awkward silence. She continues
to look at
PAUL.) Well are you going to articulate a
statement or aren’t you?
PAUL. Uh. Um. Boobs.
JANEENE. I’m afraid that qualifies
as merely a word, not a statement.
PAUL. You have big boobs.
JANEENE. Oh now STEVE…I am
flattered, PAUL. But if you would, please
artwork and don’t touch, my SAT’s are rapidly approaching and I
mustn’t have anything or anyone distract me
from achieving a perfect score. After
all, I am obligated to attend Harvard on a
cheerleading scholarship and finger-
smudged works of art depreciate in value. Good
day gentleman, PAUL.
PAUL. (To STEVE:)
Oh man, she sounds like the hot daughter of Shakespeare
and Jimmy Carter! Of course I
would be a gentleman and wear gloves
as to not leave any fingerprints. Ah
great, here comes BUP.
BUP. What are you nerds doing?
Oh hey BUP.
Are you trying to steal my girl?
PAUL. Who, JANEENE? One, no. And two, why should you care, you’re not
Well not yet, but I’m
taking her to prom, ‘nerd-herder-I’m-gonna-murder’!
STEVE. Yikes. That escalated quickly. Even after all of the concussions you’ve had
from basketball, all the beer drinking, you still have enough brain
cells to be good
enough for JANEENE? She’s super smart, like
Einstein with lady parts. Are you
a Slytherin can date a Hufflepuff?
Is that a Harry Potter reference? See this is why nobody likes you.
PAUL’ over here.
PAUL. (Fake laugh.) Well, you
know what they say, be soft and don’t carry a
STEVE. (To PAUL:)
That’s not the expression at
all. BUP, one, you’re unoriginal,
two, unsmart (pause), four, (flustered)
you have a big, dumb, muscly, chiseled chest.
Uh, what? I think there was some subtext there. Wait, you skipped
You skipped the part of your life where your parents loved you!
Lots of quick escalation going on today. BUP, we were just talking
with JANEENE, that’s all.
BUP. Enough. Listen, you nerds have it coming. Just wait and see, I’m gonna beat the
hell out of you two after the basketball game. (BUP storms off.)
STEVE. (Quietly, to himself.) God
I hope he does.
Nothing, just over here hating BUP.
(STEVE and PAUL are at the concert, on stage, warming up
just before it’s about
Praise Dumbledore this is just warm-ups, our band sounds awful.