TEASER

Bailiff:  Will the court please rise, the honorable Judge Pat Banter residing;  Case number

4256, Taylor v McPherson.  The parties have been sworn in your honor.

Judge:  Thank you.  Okay let’s just go right into it and get started.  Let me see if I have

 this correct, Mr. Taylor claims that…(Interrupted)

Taylor:  I object your honor.  You are badgering the witness.

Judge:  What?  Mr. Taylor you will need to…(Interrupted)

Taylor:  Again, I must object on the grounds you are leading the witness.

Judge:  Mr. Taylor?!

Taylor:  (Whispering back and forth to himself) You do not have to answer that.

Judge:  (Losing patience) Mr. Taylor!  Who are you speaking to?

Taylor:  Ah….my client.

Judge:  Then who are you supposed to be?

Taylor:  I am my representation.  You may address me as, DUDE, (Big hand gesture as if

 on billboard) Attorney at law.

END TEASER

Judge:  Mr. Taylor, we need to get a few things straight if you are going to survive this

experience.

Taylor:  (Urgent) Sidebar your honor. (Approaches judge; whispering) I believe that Mrs.

 McPherson is going to present a surprise witness that was not on the original list.

  I want to have his testimony disallowed as to not taint the jury.

Judge:  What jury?

Taylor:  (As if a secret understanding has been reached) Exactly.  Thank you your honor

 (Returns)

Judge:  Mr. Taylor, you are not even going to be heard today if you do not stop your

antics, right now.

Taylor:  (Whispering back and forth to himself, nodding head up and down)

McPherson:  (Scottish accent) Your honor, may I say something?

Taylor:  AH HA!!!  I knew it!

Judge:  Mr. Taylor…

Taylor:  (Pleading very theatrically) Your honor, don’t you see what she’s doing?  She’s

trying to intimidate my client.

McPherson:  I am doing no such thing.

Taylor:  I saw Braveheart lady.  I know what your kind are capable of.

McPherson:  (Asking for help) Your honor.

Judge:  Mr. Taylor!!  If you make one more unsolicited comment I will find you in

contemp!  (Pause)  Do you understand me?!

Taylor:  (More whispering to self then…)  We understand.

McPherson:  Your honor?

Judge:  Yes, Mrs. McPherson.

McPherson:  Would it be possible to explain what happened?

Judge:  I was getting to that, patience please.

Taylor:  Your honor?

Judge:  That’s it Mr. Taylor.  I find you in contempt and fine you $200.

Taylor:  But I was just going to ask a question….really.  I’m trying to be serious now.

Judge:  Okay, don’t make me sorry for this; what’s the question?

Taylor:  I just wanted to know if she was planning on telling the truth?

Judge:  I would hope so Mr. Taylor.  Why?

Taylor: (Screaming) Because you can’t handle the truth!!!!!

Judge:  That’s it!  The fine is now $500!  Do you want to try for more?!

McPherson:  Can I explain, please?

Taylor:  Ask and answered, your honor; asked and answered.

McPherson:  Would you please shut up!

Taylor:  (Very theatrical) Your honor, how long are you going to let this continue?  It is

obvious this women is not competent to stand trial.

Judge:  Mr. Taylor!  $1000.00 and a night in jail!!  (Silence)  Now what do you have to

say?

Taylor:  (Whispering back and forth to himself then…) It would behoove me not to

respond on the grounds that I might incriminate myself.

Judge:  We’re beyond that.   Mrs. McPherson, why don’t we try a new approach

(Pointing to Taylor) and you better not interrupt.  Why don’t you tell me why Mr.

Taylor is seeking damages in excess of $3,500 from you?

McPherson:  Well, your honor.  He claims I killed his bird with my car.

Taylor:  Point of clarification your honor, the “bird” she is referring to, was indeed my

pet dove, Marlin.

Judge:  Okay Mr. Taylor, duly noted, the bird was a dove.

McPherson:  Wait a minute, don’t do that.  It was a basic pigeon.  There were hundreds

of them and they all looked the same.

Taylor:  Sidebar! Sidebar!

Judge:  (Frustrated) What?!

Taylor:  (Approaching judge)  It’s quite apparent that my client is not going to be able to

get a fair trial here.  I would like to file a motion to change venues.

Judge:  That is not the way you do it, and besides this is (Raising voice) small claims

court!

Taylor:  Your honor I am afraid you too are racist toward my bird.  I also formally

request that you do the right thing and recuse yourself from this case.

Judge: (Yelling)  Racist?!  Racist?!  (Noticing yelling, changes to angry whisper)  What

in the world are you talking about?

Taylor:  It is obvious by your tone and mannerisms with me and my client that you have

problem with certain species of birds.

Judge:  I most certainly do not.

Taylor:  Are you telling me you have (Louder and more theatrical)  Never, I repeat,

never used the “D” word?

Judge:  What “D” word?

Taylor:  Just answer the question.  Never made reference to the “D” word, maybe told

jokes using the “D” word…..well?

Judge:  I don’t…(Interrupted)

Taylor:  If it pleases the jury, would you please read back the comment made by the

judge after I corrected the species of my bird?  (Pause)  Okay, I can see budget

cutbacks have left us without a court recorder so allow me.  She said, (Mimicking

judge) “Okay Mr. Taylor, duly noted, the bird was a  “D” “D” “D” Dove!!! A

Dove!!!  (Way over the top)  You see ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there is no way the evidence wasn’t tampered with before being planted, the DNA not fabricated, the witnesses all cohersed. Let the records show, “If the dove is hit, you must convict!”  Your witness!! USA, USA, USA. (Chant interrupted)

Judge:  That’s it! Bailiff, remove Mr. Taylor from my courtroom!

Bailiff:  Do I have too?  This has got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen in ten years.

Taylor:  (Still over the top theatrical) Is this what our country has come to?  The

Constitution’s 6^th Amendment is shredded by the very entity that should assure due process.  Oh, what a sad, sad day for us all.

Judge:  Hold on.  Just everybody hold on!  Let me think.  (Too long of a pause)

Taylor:  That Amendment also includes a right to a “speedy” trial.

Judge:  (Losing it a bit) Okay, here’s what we’ll do.  Mr. Taylor, you and (Sarcastic)

“your client” will have just thirty seconds to say your side of the story.  Mrs. McPherson will get the same; during which you will not say a word.  If you do, let the (Sarcastic) “records” show, I will remove your spleen with a wooden spoon. (Exploding) Do you get what I’m saying?!  DO YOU?!

Taylor:  (Taken aback by tone)  O…Kay  (Coughing word)  Zoloft.

McPherson:  Sounds fair, your honor.

Judge:  Mr. Taylor, your on the clock….starting…..NOW!