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News and Events
by Brian Weilert

1 and 2: AFF   

3 and 4: NEG 

A1: Assistant coach to the aff

A2: Assistant coach to the neg

J: Judge


1:  Do you mind if I ask you your paradigm

J:  I’m sorry, I am not sure what you are asking…

2:  Do you have any preferences when it comes to what you like to see…

J:  I’m so sorry, I guess I just…

3:  What are your thoughts on speed?

4:  What about Kritiks?

J:  Guys….I just am not sure…

1:  We should all totally run a Fem-K on the judge.

2:  I know…we should… (to the judge) quit calling us “guys.”

J:  But you all are…guys…right?  (NOTE: CUT THIS LINE IF NEEDED)

1:  Don’t label me…you don’t know me.

A1:  So….speed good?  (pause) I’ll take that as a, “yes.”

2:  You two know our assistants…right?

3:  You guys still carry ten like last year?

A1:   Yep, I’m Bobby…didn’t we debate?

3:  Sure did, last year.  I don’t mean to be rude but didn’t we crush you?

A1:  Yeah, I wasn’t great in high school but now I know everything there is to know about debate.

3: I hear that’s what happens when you go to college.

A1:  Pretty much.

A2:  K’s good too? (no answer)...aaaaand yes.

4:  And this is Mark, one of our only eight assistants.  I hate being from a poor school.

A2:  Sup. 

All:  (to the judge) Open cross?  (not waiting for an answer) Perfect!

J:  I am sorry…maybe I should leave and have them get someone else…

A1: No…stay, you might just learn something…

All:  (laugh)

J:  They told me I would be a great judge because I was well-educated…but I am not so sure…this whole speed thing…is that necessary?

All: (laugh)

J:  When you say speed…what do you actually mean?  I’ll be able to follow, right?

4:  Maybe, but it doesn’t really matter that much because we have all debated before, and know what the other is going to argue so we don’t really listen. 

3: Plus, we will just flash the stuff to each other and read it anyway….and let’s be honest, my arguments will have very little to do with what they are saying on the actual topic.  

1: If you want, when we are done debating you can request all the evidence and read it for yourself.

J:  How long would that take?

1:  I don’t know…at normal speed?  Like four hours I guess.

J:  I’m supposed to stay four hours after the round and read the evidence!?

2:  Of course not, you have to give us an oral critique on who won and why so our assistants can come in and make you feel stupid before we get to the next round.

J:  How can I even do that, if I don’t know what’s going on?

3:   How are we supposed to know?  Everybody just does it that way.

J:  But what if….I guess I just don’t….they told me I couldn’t make a wrong decision.

1:  Well, THEY lied to you.  

4:  Look we better get started we are already an hour and twenty minutes behind schedule.

3:  You two still running that same aff?

1:  As far as you know, are you still running that same neg strat?

4:  All day every day.  

2:  Lame

3:  What? Still not buying we are being controlled by an elite race of alien reptiles?  Sad.  Keep your heads in the sand.

1:  Is the judge ready

J:  I really doubt it…but go ahead.

A1:  I’ll be right outside if (pointing to the judge) screws up.

J:  I saw that.

A2:  Me too…my ear pressed to the door crack…it’s like I am debating the round with you.  Peace.  (both leave)

1: Let’sstartbylookingatwhatiscurrentlygoingoninthesquo. (double clutch breath) Smith16”ItappearsasiftheFederalgovernmentnolongdealsinrealityasrecentlegislationbuysintothefearmongeringrhetoricoftherightbyincreasingfundingforapolicestatetomaintainoppressionofpeople ofcolorbyspendingtwofoldfortheupcomingbudget (triple clutch)

J:  I’m sorry to interrupt, but are you all right?

1: whatareyoutalkingaboutofcourseIamokay (double clutch) ….I mean…yeah I’m fine, what’s wrong?

J:  I’m so sorry, I thought you were having trouble breathing and no one else in the room seemed to even being paying attention…so, you are okay?

1:  Serious?   Damn, I forgot to turn off my timer…how long did I speak?

2:  I don’t know, like two seconds I would guess.

3:  Yeah, like two seconds…whatever.  You two want your flash drive back? We already had your case from last week.

2:  Yeah, cool, thanks.

J:  Hey, why we are stopped, can I ask if all of you are going to speak like that?

All:  No.

J: Okay good I was worried a bit because I couldn’t…

1:  I hear you.  I like to go a bit slow on the 1AC so the judge can follow…the rest of them will pick up the pace so don’t worry.

J:  Do you mean faster?

1:  You want me to go faster?   I didn’t flash my high-flow Aff to them because I thought you were lay, but if they don’t mind, I could give them the new one and we could just start over…

3:  Cool with us, but you don’t need to flash it, we downloaded it last week.

1: Right.

J:  So are you going to go faster now?  Is that what I am hearing?

1: I hope so, otherwise I will never get into a good collegiate program.  Others on the circuit harass me a bit.

3:  Now slow down there molasses, no one is making fun of you.   We appreciate your ability to group and cross-apply to make up for you shortcomings in the speed department.  Plus, I always find time to play a game or two of Dig Dug on my phone during your constructives, which is amazing.

4:  Hold it.  I just looked, that aff you started to read isn’t the one you flashed us.

1:  Hold, it is right!…(talking to 2) did you not set up the two video loop laptops for our visual aids?

2:  Snap!  I forgot we were going to bust the new aff on them after giving them the wrong one.

4:  Why would you do that?

1:  So we could debate something other than the topic…duh.

2:  We thought it would be awesome to critically debate the whole concept of “disclosure” with a new twist of purposeful deceit in order to add not only a new wrinkle but depth to the discussion. 

3:  Spoiler alert!  Why did you tell me that?  Now I know...it would have been epic.

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