By the Treefrog Trio
Characters are an attractive woman, Grim Reaper, and a cocky, womanizing middle-aged man.
The scene takes place in a crowded bar. The man, a regular, is up to old tricks when the Reaper comes to take
GR: (Stands with clipboard looking across the bar) Ok, this is the place. (As if reading) Looking
for a guy who is overtly obnoxious. Great, like that narrows down the male population.
Guy: (Back to the audience throughout the teaser) Hey! Dudes, watch this. Have you ever seen crap like
that before?! I shot that peanut like eight feet right out of my frickin' nose.
GR: Check. Ok. He's crude.
Guy: (Fanning hands) Whoa, who laid down the funk?
GR: Check, a sexist womanizer.
Guy: Hey, you two babes with the nice racks, I'll give you five buck each if you'll kiss each other with your
tongues; ten if a can snap a picture.
GR: Definitely, check. Vulgar.
Guy: (Loud belch followed by laugh)
GR: Check. Egomaniacal
Guy: I ROCK!!!
GR: Check, chokes on a peanut.
Guy: Did I mention, I RO...(starts choking)
GR: Check. That's my guy. Show time. (She turns with back to the audience and reaches out and touches guy's
shoulder. Bow heads) END TEASER
GR: (Deep intimidating voice) I am death, the ender of breath, the bringer of grief. I am eternal.
I am the dark angel. I am.. (Interrupted by man)
Guy: A really hot looking chick! So, come here often?
GR: (Normal voice) Apparently not often enough.
Guy: You can say that again. I was thinking the same thing. We are on the same page. We have some kind of
special connection going on. Feel it? Can you feel the vibe?
GR: Before you work yourself all up, maybe you should let me introduce myself. (Deep voice) I am...
Guy: No, no let me guess....You're ahhhhh Beth....(looks her over) No, no that's not it; not sexy enough
(Gives her a wink) Lexie (Looks her up and down one more time) Wait I got it you're....Mine. Get it? You're
mine. Ahhh.. I kill me. (Looks across the room as if yelling at a waitress)
Hey! Hey sugar lips, how 'bout getting this beautiful lady a beer! (Apparently ignored) Man, what do
you have to do to get a drink around here? Kill someone?
GR: Which is a great segue as why I am here because you apparently don't seem to get it.
Guy: (Elbows her in ribs) Not often enough. (Laughs to self)
GR: You've got it all wrong I... (interrupted again)
Guy: All right, all right I get "it". No beer, youre one of those classy chicks. (Again yelling at a waitress)
Hey! Hey, snuggle butt, cancel one of those beers and bring a couple of tequila shooters instead. (To Reaper) Now
GR: (In deep voice again) STOP IT! YOU FOOL! Before I remove that tongue that God regrettably put in
that foul hole.
Guy: Whew...Kinky. I get it. You like to be in charge. Do you have a dog collar under that robe? I've been
a bad puppy. Ruff...rufff! Grrrrrrr
GR: (In normal voice) Dang it, would you cut it out! I mean (In deep voice again) Cease your
ignorant babbling! I AM... (Interrupted yet again)
Guy: (Singing Ironman by Black Sabbath he continues her words. It should be very smooth. He plays air guitar
and shakes head as he sings) Ironman...da da da da da, da da da da. Black Sabbath rules! I knew you were a Goth-chick
the moment I saw the black robe.
GR: (Normal voice) Ok, let's just cut the crap. I'll quit with the over acted "Minister of Death" if
you will just shut up and listen.
Guy: I got it. I can play along. I know when to shut up. I got it , I gotcha.. A little "hush, hush"... a
little... (Interrupted by Reaper)
GR: (Normal voice) Shut up! (Deep voice) I mean, Shut up! (In normal voice) Please, can
you just please shut up?
Guy: I hear ya, Im not dead ya know.
GR: AGGGG! I want you to just sit down and listen to me for a moment.
Guy: Ruff...ruff (Sits)
GR: Look, you're a nice guy...No I take that back, you're an incredibly annoying and obnoxious guy. But, that's
irrelevant. What is relevant is that you are... (Interrupted once again)
Guy: I am soooo sorry to interrupt again but I have to ask, did it hurt?
GR: (Annoyed) Did what hurt?
Guy: When you fell from heaven. (Pleased with himself)
GR: (Fake smile) Let me try this once more. Sir, you are no longer... (Interrupted once again)
Guy: Whats your sign?
GR: STOP IT!!!
Guy: Ok, ok, just one more thing. Last one, I promise.
GR: (Giving up) What?
Guy: I just wanted you to know, that, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put "U" and "I" together.
Get it? Get it?
GR: (Really quick so she can't be interrupted again) You're dead.
Guy: What? D'you say something?
GR: Oh, you heard me.
Guy: (Quite honest) No, I really didn't.
GR: Ignoring the situation isn't going to change things.
Guy: Ok, right, now what was it you said again? I forgot.
GR: (Very slow and exaggerated pronunciation) YOU.... ARE.... DEAD
Guy: What?! Come on. Aren't you taking this "Goth-chick" thing a bit too far?
GR: (Sigh) Look, a second ago you were standing over there sucking on a peanut...(Interrupted by guy)
Guy: Whoa! Ive done a lot of things in my past, but I have never sucked on...(Interrupted by Reaper)
GR: PEANUT! I said peanut.
GR: Anyway you sucked on a PEANUT, it got stuck in your throat and you choked. Now you are, what we in the
profession like to call, dead. D.E.A.D. dead.
Guy: P.R.O.Z.A.C. Prozac (Stands) Should have known it was too good to be true. All the really hot
ones are either psycho or pros but not usually BOTH. (Mimicking Reaper) "We in the profession" Why didn't you come right out
and tell me this was going to cost. I wasted some of my best stuff on you. If you don't mind, I'll be getting back to my buds.
(Walks over to where his buds might be and tries to give high five to someone) DUDE!
(His hand goes right through, no contact, and he looks confused. He then tries to grab the butt of a girl walking by and again
his hand goes through. Dejected and really confused, he returns to the Reaper)
GR: (Sarcastic) So, come here often.
Guy: (Sits in silence)
GR: No clever comeback? No witty retort? Let me guess your sign..hmmm... could it be STUPID?
Guy: You're not a prostitute, are you?
Guy: And I suppose it would be asking for too much to guess that you just found me attractive.
GR: Way too much.
Guy: So, I really am... (Pause) deceased?
GR: Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner folks.