how do you get four gay guys on a single bar stool? Huh?
Do you know? Turn it upside
down! Love that one…first gay
joke I ever heard. It was at a church summer camp, our councilor
or cabin leader…whatever, Ron, was the source.
Forget that we were at a camp to learn about Jesus and you still have
the problem of an 18 year old telling this joke to a bunch of twelve-year old
kids. We all laughed, but at the time I
didn’t get the joke…I am not sure about the other three. Stanley,
laughed the hardest so I suspected
he definitely didn’t get it either.
Stanley was a puffy, red-faced boy dressed in a short-sleeved button-up,
a size too small, and a pair of pleated shorts, that with a bit of imagination,
you could say matched the top. I guess I
don’t have such an imagination. Stanly
blurted out, “That was the best Ron.
Tell another fag joke.” And he
“Sure, sure….Why did the gay dude
cross the road? Anyone? He couldn’t
get his dick out of the chicken’s
butt! Get it?!” More
laughter this time.
want you to know that I don’t repeat these jokes to offend you but to give you
a taste of the disgust my father felt toward me when I came home from that camp
and announced that I thought I was gay.
“What the hell are you talking
about?! What happened to you up there?!
Some faggot rape you?! I’ll kill them!”
was wrong. No one touched me that week….Relax
they didn’t. I wasn’t the victim of some
horrible tragedy that converted me to homosexualism. But Dad couldn’t
accept that and hired a
lawyer that led to a huge investigation into the camp. All that came out of
it was that Ron admitted
to a few jokes and became the scapegoat for the entire camp. He was fired, threatened
to be imprisoned for
something, though I don’t think bad taste
is punishable or there would be so few people on the outside that society
couldn’t function. Clearly, rational
thought went out the window as this seemed to settle everyone down. Seemed plausible
to them that I heard two gay
jokes and BOOM, I was gay. Since it is
an abomination to God it had to be something…right? I try to stay
out of the whole religion
aspect of all that has transpired the past ten years since my proclamation of
gaydome. Seems no one is willing to
budge so why try. I guess in the end we
will all get to figure out who is right.
I really hope it is me. I think
it is. I do know I thank
God that Stanley didn’t come out
until he graduated high school or they would have called for an exorcism of
Camp Homo…and of poor, misguided Ron, The
story I want to share isn’t the tragic one of a teen who grew up with a father
who never accepted him…leading to a strain in his parent’s marriage…leading to
divorce…leading to a single mom working two jobs raising a gay kid who she did
accept but also secretly sort of
blamed because if he was just normal,
it might have worked out better for them all.
Okay, not so secret as I actually heard her on the phone one evening
about a year after Dad left,
“It is just so hard. He is bullied at school and I am not equipped
with what to tell him. I feel so bad that
he is hurting but I am hurting too…”
and then, there it was, “I can’t help but think if he were just normal,
that things might have worked
again, that’s not the story I want to tell…for a couple of reasons. One
is that, unfortunately, it is an old,
worn-out story. Gay men would nod their
heads in unison and then probably yawn.
Plus, the ungay of the world, the “normal” people would hear it and feel
like we all got in a room and, “got our story straight”….funny right?
Straight story for…Okay, how do you get four
gay guys on a bar stool…..never mind.
second reason is that I need to tell the
more important story of how I came to understand that I was gay and had the
courage to tell my parents at such an early age. That is the story that needs
to be told. Told for those who share in my…not sure what
to call it…my dad would be a thesaurus in a situation like this, “The words you
are looking for “son” are; those who share in your: affliction, disease,
plight, mistake, disaster, sickness, faggotness, father soul killer, marriage
destroyer!” Sorry, still have some
unresolved daddy issues.