(In the kitchen)
H: Dear, who are we
having for dinner tonight?
W: I invited the new
neighbors. They seemed sweet.
H: Funny woman…that’s not what I meant. I mean, “Who are we having for dinner tonight?”
W: I know what you
meant. I don’t know
yet. I am hoping to not have to
dig through the freezer;
because, as I stated, the neighbors are coming over.
H: Well, good.
When do you expect them?
W: Any time now. I preheated the oven at about 5:45, so I told
them to come by about 6:00 and if all goes well, we should be eating no later
than 7:30. Olivia, the wife, said
would bring a bottle of wine.
H: I am very picky
about my wine you know…I hope she tastes good.
W: You mean you hope
she has good taste. I do too. I should have asked her if it was red or
white. I would hate to serve Mexican
H: I thought you were
saving the pool boy for a special occasion.
W: No silly, I think
they are Hispanic or something. Last
name had a rolling “R” that I couldn’t pronounce.
H: Do they have kids?
W: Oh, I hope
not. You know how kids can be spoiled
H: Really, are you
bringing this up again?
H: How many times can
I say I am sorry for not putting them in the fridge. Besides if you hadn’t bought the cheap
baggies they would have kept.
W: You just keep
telling yourself that but we both know the truth Max.
W: Okay, that must be
them. Please try not to be too
H: I have no idea
what you are talking about.
W: My mother,
remember my mother last month.
H: Can you let
sleeping dogs lie?
W: If you are going
to interject a metaphor into the argument, can you at least try and be
creative? You know I hate cliché’s.
H: Well, I hated your
mother. There I said it.
W: I told you to try her with a little ketchup but you
H: Oh, I’m
sorry. If you can’t prepare
a meal without
the need of ketchup to mask the flavor….then why am I keeping you around?
W: Just stop it okay.
I have to get the door.
H: Or what? You’re going to give me the cold
W: I already
apologized for that. I told you
weeks that the oven was acting up and your lazy carcass did nothing about.
And really, I thought it had cooked through. Besides,
it didn’t bother me; I love my meat
bloody. And you know this honeybun.
H: You know I don’t
like that pet name.
W: Why? I love honeybuns.
H: I know. That’s what scares me.
W: Well, I may not be
the best cook, but the one time I let you in the kitchen…
…I know, I know….I burnt
W: Yes, you burnt the
chicken. He was such a skittish
afraid of his own shadow. It took
nearly all day to get that him even near the house and you went and ruined the
H: Touché, fair
enough. (doorbell rings a third time) Okay, game face Puddin’
W: (As she goes to
door) I told you that I hate
that pet name.
H: Why? I love pudding.
W: I know, that’s
what scares me.
(opens the door)
W: Well, hi…so glad
you two could make it.
R: Hola. My name is Raul. (handing
her a bottle of wine) I have brought you a bottle of white vino. I hope it is to your liking.
W: Oh, I’m sure it
will be delicious. Hi Olivia, so
see you again…come in, come in.
R: What a beautiful casa
W: Thank you, this is
my husband, Max.
H: Hello, Hello. So, glad you could make it (checks his watch) Right on time
O: We always try to
be. Besides, if I am being totally
honest with you, we have been so busy moving in that we haven’t had a decent
meal in days.
H: That’s right, you just
moved into the Wong’s house?
R: Well Max, I think
it is absolutely the right house for us.
W: No, Raul…the
Wong’s old house. Not wrong….Wong.
The Wongs were the young Asian couple that lived there prior to you guys.
R: I feel foolish
now. Did they ever find where they
W: What do you mean? (looking
H: Yeah, what do you
O: Oh, the realtor
told us they just ran off one day and no one heard from them again. Isn’t that
R: That’s why we got
such a deal; it was a repo from the banco.
W: Well, I’ll
could I see you in the kitchen for a second.
H: Sure thing Puddin’.
Please excuse us Olivia…Raul.
(In the kitchen)
W: Great, just great
did you hear what they said? Did
H: Keep your voice
down. Look, everything’s fine. All they care about is the great deal on the
W: If they know…and
Realtor knows…then the police know. Oh,
Max I told you it was a bad idea.
H: I’m sorry
alright. I was dying for some Chinese
takeout and they just happen to come by to borrow a rake! I’m telling you, it was a sign from the high
W: What!? Are you insane? Eating
the neighbors Max was not a sign from
H: Well, okay, maybe
not, but you have to admit it was pretty damn convenient.
W: Peek out there and see what they’re doing.
H: (as if looking back into the living room)
two go ahead and have a seat, we’ll be out in a sec, just lettin’ the wine
breathe a bit. (to wife) They were just standin’ by the door whispering in
Spanglish or something. (grabs wine bottle and starts removing the
reminds me, white
wine? Really? White?
Now, that’s just bad luck.
hoping for sangria; would’ve been the perfect match.
W: Perfect match for
what? We can’t do it now.
Olivia was acting odd. I think they’re may be on to us. Do you
to go to jail?
H: Keep your head
woman. (takes a drink of wine from the bottle and starts to pour it into
glasses) You’re just making stuff up.
Everything’s fine. Besides, the
oven’s preheated…and I see you made up some of your famous guacamole. You can’t tease a man like that. It’s not humane.
It’s like, here is this awesome appetizer, yummy, yummy and now comes…..what?
(he moves and dips a chip into the
W: (slapping his hand)
Don’t eat the
guacamole you idiot. It’s
my special recipe. Now use your brain for a second, Max; two
couples disappear within a month and you don’t think people will start asking
questions? If I hadn’t been
you for all these years, I would swear you were losing your mind.
H: Well, we have to
do something. Can’t serve
them just dip
and wine. You heard them, they’re
And so am I. Maybe
I should just go out there and just tell them that dinner is off because my
wife feels the entrée is getting too suspicious.