Husband (H)

Wife (W)

Raul (R)

Olivia (O)

(In the kitchen)

H:  Dear, who are we having for dinner tonight?

W:  I invited the new neighbors.  They seemed sweet.

H: Funny woman…that’s not what I meant.  I mean, “Who are we having for dinner tonight?”

W:  I know what you meant.   I don’t know yet.  I am hoping to not have to dig through the freezer; because, as I stated, the neighbors are coming over. 

H:  Well, good.   When do you expect them?

W:  Any time now.  I preheated the oven at about 5:45, so I told them to come by about 6:00 and if all goes well, we should be eating no later than 7:30.  Olivia, the wife, said she would bring a bottle of wine.

H:  I am very picky about my wine you know…I hope she tastes good.

W:  You mean you hope she has good taste.  I do too.  I should have asked her if it was red or white.  I would hate to serve Mexican with white.

H:  I thought you were saving the pool boy for a special occasion.

W:  No silly, I think they are Hispanic or something.  Last name had a rolling “R” that I couldn’t pronounce.  

H:  Do they have kids?

W:  Oh, I hope not.  You know how kids can be spoiled rotten.

H:  Really, are you bringing this up again?

W:  Yes.

H:  How many times can I say I am sorry for not putting them in the fridge.  Besides if you hadn’t bought the cheap baggies they would have kept.

W:  You just keep telling yourself that but we both know the truth Max.  

(doorbell  rings)

W:  Okay, that must be them.  Please try not to be too off-putting.

H:  I have no idea what you are talking about.

W:  My mother, remember my mother last month.

H:  Can you let sleeping dogs lie?

W:  If you are going to interject a metaphor into the argument, can you at least try and be creative?  You know I hate cliché’s.

H:  Well, I hated your mother.  There I said it.

W: I told you to try her with a little ketchup but you refused.

H:  Oh, I’m sorry.  If you can’t prepare a meal without the need of ketchup to mask the flavor….then why am I keeping you around?

(doorbell rings again)

W:  Just stop it okay.  I have to get the door.

H:  Or what?  You’re going to give me the cold shoulder…again?

W:  I already apologized for that.  I told you for weeks that the oven was acting up and your lazy carcass did nothing about.   And really, I thought it had cooked through.  Besides, it didn’t bother me; I love my meat bloody.  And you know this honeybun.

H:  You know I don’t like that pet name.

W:  Why?  I love honeybuns.

H:  I know.  That’s what scares me.  

W:  Well, I may not be the best cook, but the one time I let you in the kitchen…

H:  (interrupting) …I know, I know….I burnt the chicken.

W:  Yes, you burnt the chicken.   He was such a skittish man, afraid of his own shadow.  It took me nearly all day to get that him even near the house and you went and ruined the entire affair. 

H:  Touché, fair enough.  (doorbell rings a third time) Okay, game face Puddin’

W: (As she goes to door)  I told you that I hate that pet name.

H:  Why?  I love pudding.

W:  I know, that’s what scares me.

(opens the door)

W:  Well, hi…so glad you two could make it.

R:  Hola.  My name is Raul.  (handing her a bottle of wine) I have brought you a bottle of white vino.  I hope it is to your liking.

W:  Oh, I’m sure it will be delicious.  Hi Olivia, so good to see you again…come in, come in.

R:  What a beautiful casa you have.

W:  Thank you, this is my husband, Max.

H:  Hello, Hello.  So, glad you could make it (checks his watch) Right on time too. 

O:  We always try to be.  Besides, if I am being totally honest with you, we have been so busy moving in that we haven’t had a decent meal in days. 

H:  That’s right, you just moved into the Wong’s house?

R:  Well Max, I think it is absolutely the right house for us.

W:  No, Raul…the Wong’s old house.  Not wrong….Wong.  The Wongs were the young Asian couple that lived there prior to you guys.

R:  I feel foolish now.  Did they ever find where they went off too?

W:  What do you mean? (looking at husband)

H:  Yeah, what do you mean?

O:  Oh, the realtor told us they just ran off one day and no one heard from them again. Isn’t that strange?

R:  That’s why we got such a deal; it was a repo from the banco.

W:  Well, I’ll be.  Honeybun, could I see you in the kitchen for a second.

H:   Sure thing Puddin’.  Please excuse us Olivia…Raul.

(In the kitchen)

W:  Great, just great did you hear what they said?  Did you?!

H:  Keep your voice down.  Look, everything’s fine.  All they care about is the great deal on the house.

W:  If they know…and Realtor knows…then the police know.  Oh, Max I told you it was a bad idea.

H:   I’m sorry alright.  I was dying for some Chinese takeout and they just happen to come by to borrow a rake!  I’m telling you, it was a sign from the high almighty himself.

W:  What!?  Are you insane?  Eating the neighbors Max was not a sign from God. 

H:  Well, okay, maybe not, but you have to admit it was pretty damn convenient. 

W: Peek out there and see what they’re doing.

H:  (as if looking back into the living room) You two go ahead and have a seat, we’ll be out in a sec, just lettin’ the wine breathe a bit.  (to wife) They were just standin’ by the door whispering in Spanglish or something.  (grabs wine bottle and starts removing the cork)  Which reminds me, white wine?  Really?  White?  Now, that’s just bad luck.  I was hoping for sangria; would’ve been the perfect match.

W:  Perfect match for what?  We can’t do it now.  Olivia was acting odd.  I think they’re may be on to us. Do you want to go to jail?

H:  Keep your head woman.  (takes a drink of wine from the bottle and starts to pour it into glasses) You’re just making stuff up.  Everything’s fine.  Besides, the oven’s preheated…and I see you made up some of your famous guacamole.  You can’t tease a man like that.  It’s not humane.  It’s like, here is this awesome appetizer, yummy, yummy and now comes…..what?  NOTHING!!!!  (he moves and dips a chip into the guacamole)

W:  (slapping his hand) Don’t eat the guacamole you idiot.  It’s my special recipe.  Now use your brain for a second, Max; two couples disappear within a month and you don’t think people will start asking questions?  If I hadn’t been married to you for all these years, I would swear you were losing your mind.

H:  Well, we have to do something.  Can’t serve them just dip and wine.  You heard them, they’re starving.  And so am I.   Maybe I should just go out there and just tell them that dinner is off because my wife feels the entrée is getting too suspicious.